IF YOU’RE having a crisis, don’t just reach for any wine. Read our guide to discover the perfect grape-based alcoholic drink to match your problem.

When you’ve got some shit going on, it’s easy to just grab some wine that costs six quid and has a picture of a tree on it. But the right wine-problem pairing can make a solo drinking session into something sublime.

Take the pressure off your choice with this handy guide.

Midlife crisis

If you can’t afford a poker addiction or taking a year of work to ‘discover yourself’, why not make wine your particular method of facing life’s crushing meaninglessness? A sophisticated, aromatic Gewürztraminer will make you seem more interesting as you weep into it on your first ever Tinder date.

Thinking of voting Conservative

You’re a left-leaning progressive type who has always voted Labour and yet you are currently, given the government, having something of a crisis of faith. You’re freaking out because you momentarily wondered if the Tories might, if they get it together, be a better option. Wash that treacherous thought away with a bottle of sustainably sourced Fairtrade Argentinian Malbec.

Divorce

Wine? No chance. This calls for a bottle of Louis Roederer Cristal Brut champagne. Whether you’re celebrating your escape from the clutches of your ex-nutjob or howling into the bleak void left by their absence, divorce is an excuse to get expensively shitfaced.

Quarter-life crisis

Lost your youthful zest for life and feeling adrift in a universe of generalised anxiety? You might still be too young to have developed a taste for nice wine so start with some Echo Falls rosé. It’s basically alcoholic squash.

Bankruptcy

Buckfast Tonic Wine. ‘Tonic’ being the Latin word for ‘I’ve puked in my shoe but now I feel great’.