THEY split last week. You’re meeting her for lunch after she’s visited the hairdressers. The haircut she gets determines how much of a bastard you need to say he was:  

Slight trim: an amicable split 

This woman did the dumping and is absolutely fine about it. She’s about as committed to her image change as she was to the relationship. She’s sipping iced lattes and scrolling Tinder while her ex is getting hopelessly hammered and shaving his head, including eyebrows. 

Highlights and layers: parting is such sweet sorrow 

There’s optimism in this break-up, perhaps because she’s already sexting someone way hotter, so it’s a change for the better. In both the mirror and the relationship she’s able to see the highlights, toss her locks while pouting, and move on. Your role as friend is to take a load of shots for the Instagram she knows he still looks at daily. 

Cut short: it hurts 

Gone from long to shoulder-length? Order two bottles of the Grigio and cancel your evening plans, because this one f**king hurt. Her hair, her dreams, her love and her future have been cut short and she is getting through Kleenex quicker than a teenage boy. As her friend, you must support her, even though she looks like Lord Farquhar from Shrek. 

Dramatic colour change: out for blood 

Gone from blonde to black? Or fiery red? Or cobalt blue? This bitch is out for blood. The relationship is over and the revenge is on. It is your duty to work up a towering hatred for her ex, even though he seemed quite nice and you know full well she cheated on him. She has at least 100 screenshots. You must stop her using them. 

Pixie cut: she is done with all men 

The pixie cut, which works on around five per cent of women, means that she never wants to see a penis again. The words scumbag, wanker, dickhead, prick, arsehole, bastard and petulant f**king child are on a constant cycle. A print-out of his face was attached to a dartboard and the dartboard was set on fire. Will go home with a waiter. 

Shaved: she’s killed him 

Eerily calm, sipping water, claiming to be totally over it while bald as 2007-era Britney, suggesting you two ‘go and do something fun together outdoors’? His body is in the boot of her Yaris. Make your excuses and leave, or help her dispose of it if you’re up for a real bonding experience.