A WOMAN who has never had to download an app and swipe through awful profiles is daring to give dating advice, it has emerged. 

Eleanor, not her real name, met her partner before Tinder and Hinge transformed dating into a dreary exchange of genital photos yet seems to think she knows what she is talking about when it comes to finding love. 

Friend Nikki, not her real name, said: “She reckons you can just go up to someone in person and introduce yourself. I think she might be clinically insane. 

“Doesn’t she know that dating now involves creating a bullshit impression of yourself with photos from five years ago when you looked hot? Nobody forms an attraction based on personality anymore, we’re just all looking for someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously, whatever that means. 

“When Eleanor was last single there was still time to save the climate crisis and Toblerones weren’t a pisstake. So pardon me for discarding any advice she might have for being woefully out of date. 

“Anything she has to say will sound bizarrely antiquated, like suggesting using a mangle to dry clothes. She hasn’t trawled the wastelands of dating apps in search of a remotely decent person who doesn’t take gym selfies. And until she does, I will not listen to her.” 

Nikki said: “Wear a peony in your bonnet and the boys will be clamouring to dance the bunny hop with you. Failing that, slip into something that shows off your baps. Works every time.”