NOBODY believes it when they say they are only going for ‘a couple of pints’. But this common lie means very different things to men and women.

The venue

For men, a couple of pints will usually take place in the nearest, cheapest pub that isn’t playing shit music unbearably loud. Meanwhile women will be sitting at home wondering how late their partner is going to get home this time and how f**ked just a couple of pints are going to make them. With a glass of wine in hand, they arguably have the better evening.

The people

A man will text his wife that he’s just out with a couple of colleagues and won’t be long. Bullshit. All his mates are there, including that dodgy one who keeps trying to get him into crypto. And a fit female friend who strangely goes unmentioned. A woman could host an orgy for all the difference it makes. She’ll never be asked what she’s been up to.

The number of pints

Men will stick to the company line of a couple of pints. Couple meaning two and no more than two. If they keep repeating this blatant lie then they hope to convince themselves that it’s true, which is the first step to selling it when they get home steaming drunk. By conducting a simple breath test, women will be able to accurately deduce the truth of 12 pints.

The time taken

Two pints should take no more than an hour and a half, maximum. So how come men usually stay out until the early hours? It’s because they’ve stopped for a bite to eat, then they got lost, and then they had to help their friend find his lost phone, apparently. Women will see right through this bullshit and know that they stayed in the pub until last orders then sat in the park with some cans.

The aftermath

A man will wake up in a state of hungover confusion. How could he end up like this after drinking a mere two pints? It defies scientific logic. A woman on the other hand will be happily breezing around the house, content in the knowledge that her predictions were entirely accurate. She was even bang on about the number of dry heaves.