Middle-aged women delighted by ugly modern fashions
MIDDLE-AGED women seeing 20-something girls dressed in cargo pants, faux fur gilets and bandanas have confirmed they are delighted by how ugly modern fashions are.…
New teacher unsure if she even wants to inspire the little bastards now
A TEACHER at a comprehensive is starting to doubt whether she even wants to put her dickhead pupils on a path to a brighter future. …
Restaurant couple clearly on a voucher
A COMMON-LOOKING couple in a fancy restaurant were only there because of an internet voucher, according to fellow diners. The overdressed pair were disconcertingly excitable…
Becci, and other stupid ways people spell their names to sound more interesting
SPELLING their name in a bizarre way rarely masks the fact that someone is crashingly dull. Do you know one of these people? Becci, Bekki,…
That twat you used to work with now somehow a boss
A MASSIVE arsehole you used to work with is now quite senior at another company. 31-year-old Tom Logan, who just used to go on football…
Man who works in marketing thinks his skills are transferable
A MARKETING executive wrongly believes his skills will be useful in a variety of situations, including a catastrophe. Tom, not his real name, thinks his…
Six emails to send at 5pm on Friday for maximum damage
ARE you a workplace twat who wants to ruin people’s weekends? These emails will ensure your colleagues return on Monday stressed and unhappy. ‘Can we…
Why France doesn’t count as a foreign holiday, by a 14-year-old whose parents dragged her there last week
HAVING just returned from France, which is shit, Grace Wood-Morris can state definitively that it does not count as a proper holiday abroad. She explains: …
Power to hand out sick notes to be given to specially appointed bastards
THE government is to take the issuing of sick notes from GPs and hand it to a panel of specially selected sadistic bastards. The panel…
Dad trapped in phone conversation with daughter for four and a half hellish minutes
A FATHER has been caught up in a nightmarish telephone conversation with his daughter lasting almost five minutes. Unsuspecting dad Martin, not his real name,…
Two men in forties very much afraid they could become friends
A PAIR of men in their 40s fear they may inexorably move from being comfortable acquaintances to full-blown friendship. Over the past few years, Martin…
Woman breaking under entirely self-imposed work stress
A WOMAN is ready to crack under the weight of work-related stress entirely of her own making, it has emerged. Project manager Hannah, not her…
The sordid details of your sex life: Things you’ll deeply regret telling your mates when pissed
DRINKING sessions are a great way to connect with friends when your inhibitions are down. And also ruin your life by sharing these overly personal…
Five reasons your thirties are better than your twenties, if you’re in denial
ATTEMPTING to convince yourself physical decline, burdensome responsibilities and heightened stress are a good thing? Here’s why you’re so glad to be in your thirties: …
12 phrases you say and then realise you’ve become your parents
ONE moment you’re laughing at the idiotic things your parents say, the next the same phrases are coming out of your own stupid, ageing mouth.…
How to be shit at gossiping, by a man
DOES the minutiae of people’s personal lives somehow fail to grip you? It might be because you’re a man. Here Martin Bishop explains how to…
The middle-aged person’s guide to losing friends
IS your life cluttered with friends you’d prefer didn’t exist? Or require a minor effort to occasionally meet? Learn how to lose them like a…
Hoovers, postmen and oddly-shaped rocks: The terrible dangers I protect you from by barking, by your dog
IT’S a scary world out there for you humans. Luckily I’m always there to protect you with my terrifying barking abilities. Here are the threats…
Couple conceive second child as long-term investment to stop first one hassling them
A COUPLE are having a second child because they are already bored rigid of having to play with their first one, they have confirmed. Stephen…
How to have a really pretentious dinner party
DINNER parties are a great way to prove you’re better than your friends. But how do you pull it off? Eccentric neighbour pop-in Conspire a…