EVERY man in a heterosexual relationship is by default punching above his weight, research has shown.

An eight-year project by the Institute for Studies shows that men routinely break wind, scratch inappropriately and engage in futile fantasy football competitions, while women radiate charm, pleasantness and a nice floral scent.

Professor Frost, not her real name, said: “In every heterosexual pairing, there is one individual who moisturises, listens and has soft, wonderful bosoms. The other is a man.

“The discrepancy is staggering. While women are serene goddesses running entire households, comforting distressed pets and remembering their partner’s blood type, they are shackled to porn-addicted, Xbox-obsessed troglodytes.