CALLUM WILSON revealed he contemplated suicide aged 12 and how seeking therapy a year ago saved him from the demons.
The father-of-two forward, whose Newcastle contract expires next month, bravely spoke out during Mental Health Awareness week and hopes his story will inspire others to ask for help.
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England international Wilson, 33, bared all about growing up in Coventry as one of six children with a single mum and with a different dad to his siblings.
The Leeds transfer target spent time in foster care and had to regularly use food banks while also staying in safe houses after witnessing domestic violence at home.
He told the High Performance podcast: “I cried myself to sleep at night. I got to about 12, 13 – it was like suicidal moments.
“When I say I cried myself to sleep, I was just praying to God like ‘take me out of this environment, I want to become a footballer’.”
He admitted: “I’ve walked alongside the train track and was building up the courage to jump basically in front of the train.
“I’ve tied cables around my bedroom rail and my PlayStation remote controller to see if it was strong enough to hold my weight.
“Football really was my saviour, it was my escape.”
Wilson, though, refuses to blame his mother for any of his unstable upbringing, saying: “It was my mum on her own, all my siblings in the house.
“We had a three bedroom council house. Food was sparing to come by. That, along with a bit of turmoil.
“I probably have a lot of aggression from that point, but football was a place that I could be aggressive in my position on the pitch and it would be ok. So it was like a release really.”
Despite all of the success in his career on the pitch, Wilson admitted that he had started to become more aggressive over recent years and he started to gamble.
Though he hailed a Newcastle physio for spotting he needed help and making him take it – which felt “like a weight was lifted” after the very first session.
He added: “Once I started speaking, and revealed everything I’ve been through in life, she was like ‘Wow, how have you got to this point already without not seeing a therapist?’
“I speak to my wife about it, but I didn’t want to blur the lines with our relationship.
“She’s not my therapist, she’s my wife and the mother of my children, so I didn’t want to burden her with problems.
“You can speak to a therapist and it does feel a sense of relief afterwards.
“It’s an investment in yourself and more than worth it. I’m probably learning a lot about myself now – little traits that I have that were obviously triggered by things as a kid. I’m really happy.”
YOU’RE NOT ALONE
EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost to suicide.
It doesn’t discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It’s the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes.
And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women.
Yet it’s rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun launched the You’re Not Alone campaign.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let’s all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others… You’re Not Alone.
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organizations provide support:
- CALM, www.thecalmzone.net, 0800 585 858
- Heads Together, www.headstogether.org.uk
- Mind, www.mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393
- Papyrus, www.papyrus-uk.org, 0800 068 41 41
- Samaritans, www.samaritans.org, 116 123
- Movember, www.uk.movember.com
Meanwhile, Wilson appeared to wave goodbye to Newcastle with a tearful solo lap of honour round the St. James’ pitch on Sunday after the Magpies had secured Champions League qualification.
Although Magpies boss Eddie Howe refused to rule out a potential stay.
Howe said: “Let’s wait and see. We’re going to sit down and talk with his representatives.
“What I can say is Callum Wilson is and has been just an incredible footballer for Newcastle.
“Someone who epitomises the spirit that’s got us to where we are really professional. Brave.
“To come here and be the No.9 in the manner and the moment that he did in the club’s history.
“It was a difficult moment and the club needed hope and Callum gave them hope, led the line with that responsibility and the pressure that role brings unbelievably.
“He brings a positivity to the group. He’s a leader within the change room. He’s just been incredible and let’s wait and see what happens.”
If you are affected by any of the issues raised in this article, please call the Samaritans for free on 116123.