A NEW study has found that the key to social, financial and romantic success is being able to function while horrendously hungover. 

The Institute for Studies found that across different professions, class backgrounds and genders, the most consistent achievers were those who could still do stuff the day after getting shitfaced.

Professor Kah Pau, not his real name, said: “We looked for patterns. And found that from the garage mechanic who ends up running the place to the barrister who becomes a judge, it’s always because their shaking hands can keep it together.

His husband, Kah Put, not his real name, said “One subject rated far below his colleagues in skill and intelligence, but because he was still able to take calls and get through meetings when they couldn’t, he’s the pisshead CEO of a major hedge fund.

“They make better parents, more sensible decisions about houses and cars, and stay in education despite having banging f**king headaches every day.

“Einstein confronted the life-shattering dread of a hangover and understood the universe. Churchill won a world war with his pulsing head in his hands. Steve Jobs only invented touchscreens because keyboard noise was causing him pain.

“They truly are life’s winners.”