A VEGETARIAN who keeps it real still eats kebabs and burgers after a few pints, he has confirmed.

Chill herbivore Tom, not his real name, is militant about his plant-based diet during the day, but is known to bend the rules when he is drunk, it is 3am, everyone else is eating meat anyway and it does not matter.

He said: “Sober? It’s all Quorn fillets and tofu curries. I wouldn’t touch meat and if you want a lecture about the cruelty of factory farming, hit me up. I can freestyle that shit straight off the dome.

“But on a night out, after a few drinks, when everyone else is staggering through the doors of Kebaba O’Riley’s? I’m down for shredded lamb in a toasted pitta, because it’s delicious.

“If anyone calls out my hypocrisy, I shoot them a wink and tell them I’m a social carnivore. That defuses the tension, we have a big old hammered laugh about it and I order a slice of pizza with bacon on.

“Uptight veggies look on in horror. But while they’re scowling over their soy, me and the cool kids slink off to enjoy some succulent processed animal flesh down a back alley. They wish they could be us.”

He added: “Doesn’t stop me from giving pescatarians shit though. Those phoney pricks should lay off the fish and stop sullying our good name.”