A MAN has decided he needs a real man to come and live with him to make up for his shortcomings as a male.

Father-of-two Keith, not his real name, is deficient as a man in a vast number of ways, ranging from being shit at DIY to being too weedy to protect his family. He said: “My most visible lack of manliness is my hopeless DIY skills.

I can’t even replace a plug, and I’m talking about a bathroom plug here. “I think the simplest solution is to get a proper macho man to live with us like an au pair.

He could do all the manly things l can’t, like confront the neighbours when their music’s too loud. “Yes it would be humiliating but I need someone to do male things like teach my son how to play football. I kick the ball like a girl.”

Keith’s wife Ann, not her real name, said: “If a real man moved in I wouldn’t cheat on Tom with him, except when I really needed an orgasm.” Dave has now put an advert online asking for a strong man to come and live with him, and deeply regrets not making it clearer he is not gay.