A MAN obviously considers his beard and moustache to be the best thing he has ever done with his life, and may sadly be correct.

Tom, not his real name, personal and professional accomplishments are clearly a distant second to the thick tufts of hair growing from his face which he likes to make a show of stroking in a thoughtful manner.

Logan’s friend Martin Bishop said: “Fair play, it’s nice and bushy. But it’s hard to be that impressed by basic biological processes.

“He’s always talking about how long his beard took to grow out and inviting people to come and stroke it. The background on his phone is even a zoomed-in picture of his chin in all its hirsute glory.

“It’s not really a proper achievement though, like setting up a business or running a marathon. All he did was fail to drag a razor across his face for a few weeks. I don’t expect a medal for not cutting my toenails for ages. D’you want to see them? I thought not.

“Tom’s probably only rocking a beard to hide a terrible jawline anyway, and I bet it itches like crazy. Instead of finding him vain and irritating, I should pity him.”

He said: “Having a massive beard makes me feel extra-strong and masculine. Plus it’s a great distraction from my tiny dick.”