You have measles because daddy reads bullshit on the internet, child told
A CHILD with measles was told it is because daddy stays up late reading utter bullshit on the internet and bases decisions on that. Lucy,…
A single initial, and other twatty ways to sign off an email
SIGNING off an email is a minefield in which you’re always just one word away from metaphorically losing a foot. Here are some of the…
Heartbroken man greatly cheered by brutal piss-taking from mates
A MAN despondent about losing his girlfriend has felt his sour mood lift after merciless piss-taking from his mates. Sam, no this real name, who…
Do you have strong opinions on things you know jack shit about?
ARE you a tiresome fucker with strong opinions on everything from higher education to pet care, despite knowing nothing about them? Take our quiz and…
How to deal with your boss’s bullshit questions
DOES your boss like to ask ridiculous questions during your catch-ups? Here’s how to answer their tedious, pointless queries: How much revenue will this idea…
Gay man shatters stereotypes by being boring, unfunny and badly-dressed
A GROUND-BREAKING gay man is breaking the mould of well-dressed, hilarious and fascinating gay guys by being absolutely none of those things. Though Martin, not…
‘Wonderfully low-maintenance’: the bullshit phrases an estate agent would use to sell you
ESTATE agents, using the magic of language, can transform even the foulest shithole into a desirable property worth borrowing £300,000 for. Here’s how they would…
Adult bellend still says ‘on a school night’
A GROWN man thinks it is cute for him to refer to weekday evening as ‘school nights’, it has emerged. Jack, not his real name,…
What you do for a living versus what your mum tells people you do
YOU’VE got an important and interesting job which your mum can’t get her head round. Here’s what you actually do, compared to what she tells…
Man back from holiday furious at his lazy past self
A MAN has returned to the office furious at how much work was left undone by his lazy bastard self from a fortnight ago. Data…
Six wankers who always pipe up when the meeting reaches Any Other Business
READY for this tedious, pointless meeting to end, so you can get the f**k out of there? Not so fast, these six arseholes will always…
‘Who’s a good little mansplainer? You are’, says wife, pinching husband’s chubby cheeks
A MAN who successfully explained something to his wife she already knew has been congratulated in a manner befitting his achievement. Jo, not her real…
Man clearly getting off on calling boat ‘she’
A MAN with a yacht is clearly turned on whenever he talks about the vessel as if it is actually female. Ian, not his real…
Woman whose work emails full of exclamation marks as dreadful as you’d expect
A WOMAN who liberally peppers her work emails with exclamation marks is just as powerfully irritating in real life, colleagues. Administration manager Hannah, not her…
Woman so fancy she is marrying an Italian
A WOMAN has announced she is so much better than everyone else in Britain she must wed an Italian. Lucy, not her real name, of…
How to guiltily explain to your millennial friends that your parents are buying you a house
HAVE you spent years moaning about being part of ‘generation rent’ but now your parents are bunging you some cash for a house? Here’s how…
Busy mum saves time by preparing marital arguments in advance
A WOMAN has unlocked new efficiencies in her packed weekly schedule by preparing ahead of time a selection of complaints, insults and resentments to fire…
How to look like a millennial who doesn’t give a f**k about looking like Gen Z
WANT to look like a person in their 30s and 40s with no interest in dressing like the younger generation? Here’s how. Sneer at your…
Dad ruining stag do
ENJOYMENT of a man’s Prague stag do has been drastically reduced by the presence of the groom-to-be’s father, guests have confirmed. 30-year-old Oliver, not his…
Woman on date pretending she can’t finish pizza
A WOMAN on a first date is maintaining a pretence that eating an entire pizza is far too much for a delicate girl like her. 34-year-old Hannah,…