HUMOUR

BRITAIN’S men are in agreement that chilling on the sofa, in the pub or in the shed is up there with hiking or windsurfing as an activity. 

While to observers they seem to be seated and staring into the middle distance with dead eyes, men insist that chilling is a strenuous pursuit and definitely not mental dormancy.

Scott, not his real name, from Stanford said: “Yeah, I spent the whole weekend chilling. Can barely move my arms today because they’re sore from chilling so hard.

“I was up early for a brisk 45-minute chill in bed, then limbered up a marathon four-hour chill in front of the telly. I chilled so hard I don’t even know what was on.”

Fellow man Wayne, not his real name, said: “Chilling is complicated. It’s both activity and inactivity. Like Buddhist meditation, only more challenging.

“You have to wear specialised clothing like unwashed joggers and it requires equipment like a chair with your arse groove worn into it. And take frequent breaks, because it can be dangerous to overdo it.

“Women don’t understand chilling. They think it should involve going on picnics or meeting their friends, but as any man knows those factors risk torpedoing the vibe.”

LOVED up, but not inducing as much nausea as other couples? Follow these tips to become the most in-your-face sweethearts the world has ever despised:

Cling constantly

Don’t just occupy space near your significant other. Aggressively drape your body over them like they’re the only life raft in the ocean and you’re that twat from Titanic.Act like 30 seconds without skin-on-skin contact could kill. Pointedly tap their arm to assert ownership as if they’re an errant dog liable to break for the horizon.

Refuse to have any independent life

A treasured friend going through a tough time and wants to meet up? Bring your boyfriend. Old pal you’ve not seen for a few years made an effort to see you? Be accompanied by your girlfriend throughout. Being an individual is so passé. Fuse yourselves together inextricably and march in synchrony to all your joint activities.

Wear matching outfits

Christmas jumpers are for amateurs. You wear matching matching pyjamas all year round and you’ve bought them for your pets. Next, his-and-hers underwear, the same trainers in different colours and paired tattoos with an emotionally convoluted meaning that you can spend hours of your life explaining to friends who wish to God you’d stop.

Share every bite

Other couples – those whose love is a mere shadow of yours – eat separate, different meals. You can’t imagine how they bear it. For you not to have tasted your other half’s nasi goreng would mean there was a gastronomic experience you had not shared, and what next? Infidelity? Never. You feed each other, to show this need is mutual.

Document every mundane moment

How many photos a day is too many? Five? 15? Aim higher. Celebrate the first time you touched pinkies, ate sushi together, or sent each other the purple heart emoji. Complete each with a caption akin to a small self-indulgent novel, like an influencer receiving six figures annually to promote love.

Give yourselves a portmanteau name

Top off your disgusting display by adopting one of the smug combination names used by those who’ve lost all grip on reality, ie celebrities. Talk about your union with the same level of awe as Brangelina did between 2005 and 2016. Allow others to be grateful the SmiWarrens have graced them with their presence. Allow them to learn.

WHY isn’t he texting back? Unresolved childhood trauma? Unconventional attachment style? Or are you annoying? Let’s break it down like his parents’ marriage: 

Communication

His parents’ divorce has given him an anxious-avoidant attachment style, you realise, even though he said it was ‘fine’ and ‘meant I got two Christmases’. The absence of love in childhood means he struggles with words of reassurance. That’s why he told you he preferred bigger tits, to push you away because he’s afraid of getting hurt again.

Sex

He showers you with affection before sex but withholds it immediately after lovemaking. A classic response from someone with a fearful-avoidant attachment style, craving intimacy while fearing vulnerability. You tell him you understand his pain while he calls an Uber from the bed, and repeat it in subsequent texts he feels too exposed to reply to.

Commitment

Without a healthy relationship model to follow, he cannot understand monogamy. Low self-esteem from his mother nagging him to tidy his bedroom also causes him to self-sabotage for fear of not measuring up. Which explains why he forgot your birthday drinks and was unable to get you a present. Really you were wrong to ask.

Fidelity

Those other girls he’s meeting? A reflection of his fear of abandonment after his dad left and moved three streets away. He can’t understand that you won’t do the same so needs back-ups for security, as a child clings to a blanket. And never communicating honestly as a child meant he didn’t have the skillset to tell you about his polyamorous tendencies.

Disordered

A classic sign of a chaotic inner life caused by inconsistent caregiving in infancy is a constant see-sawing between showing his true feelings and running away. This is why he texts ‘U up?’ at 2am on a Friday, comes round for sex and then isn’t in contact for four months. Saying you have an overbite like a Grand National winner is just an attempt to push you away. It won’t work.

A WOMAN who settled for a dullard she constantly moans about still looks down on a friend for remaining single, it has emerged.

Susan, not her real name, pities Helen, not her real name, for not having a partner despite frequently disparaging her own husband Martin, most recently stating that he was ‘below average in every respect, from intelligence to penis size’.

Susan said: “Poor Helen. She lives alone and has nobody, aside from a gregarious group of other single friends. 

“She must hate rattling about in all that space, with none of her living room being taken up by a three-metre square model railway. And I just can’t imagine having no one to awkwardly sit in silence for hours with.

“What’s going to happen when she gets older? She says she’ll downsize, retire early and piss off abroad to meet a hot young gigolo. It sounds very lonely to me, unlike being trapped in a stale marriage with a monosyllabic man for the last 30 years of my life.

“Martin hasn’t got much going for him but at least I’ve got a ring on my finger and somebody to take the bins out. That’s what’s important, isn’t it? Please say it is.”

Helen said: “I’d try and convince Susan there’s more to life than being married, but I’m too busy going on holiday at the drop of a hat and experimenting with polyamory. Still, she’s got Martin to not talk to.”

IF YOU’RE having a crisis, don’t just reach for any wine. Read our guide to discover the perfect grape-based alcoholic drink to match your problem.

When you’ve got some shit going on, it’s easy to just grab some wine that costs six quid and has a picture of a tree on it. But the right wine-problem pairing can make a solo drinking session into something sublime.

Take the pressure off your choice with this handy guide.

Midlife crisis

If you can’t afford a poker addiction or taking a year of work to ‘discover yourself’, why not make wine your particular method of facing life’s crushing meaninglessness? A sophisticated, aromatic Gewürztraminer will make you seem more interesting as you weep into it on your first ever Tinder date.

Thinking of voting Conservative

You’re a left-leaning progressive type who has always voted Labour and yet you are currently, given the government, having something of a crisis of faith. You’re freaking out because you momentarily wondered if the Tories might, if they get it together, be a better option. Wash that treacherous thought away with a bottle of sustainably sourced Fairtrade Argentinian Malbec.

Divorce

Wine? No chance. This calls for a bottle of Louis Roederer Cristal Brut champagne. Whether you’re celebrating your escape from the clutches of your ex-nutjob or howling into the bleak void left by their absence, divorce is an excuse to get expensively shitfaced.

Quarter-life crisis

Lost your youthful zest for life and feeling adrift in a universe of generalised anxiety? You might still be too young to have developed a taste for nice wine so start with some Echo Falls rosé. It’s basically alcoholic squash.

Bankruptcy

Buckfast Tonic Wine. ‘Tonic’ being the Latin word for ‘I’ve puked in my shoe but now I feel great’.

HI, [INSERT NAME HERE], I came across your LinkedIn profile and thought you would be a great fit to make me look like I’ve got a wealth of candidates. Here’s how I’ll screw you over:

Arbitrary phone contact

Emails are for cowards. Without fail I’ll ring you at the weirdest times, several times a day. If you are unable to talk, because for example you are working in your current job, I will be disappointed in your lack of commitment. If we agree a time to call, I will be unavailable.

Judgemental Zoom calls

It’s crucial that I check you interview well, ie are sober at 4pm and have no facial tattoos. To this end we must Zoom for 20 minutes. I will recite from a script in a monotone while closely examining the room behind you to establish how desperate and therefore easily defrauded you are.

Switch to being chummy

Abruptly mate, we’ll be mates, right? My last training course recommended I ask about your kids so I have done so. These laughs are practiced and I have four; the one you’re hearing has the lowest value. You will now trust me, even though I am pronouncing your name incorrectly.

Withhold key information

Why would I inform you what the salary is? My God, is that all you’re interested in? No, I’ll keep that back and make you ask for it like the venal, money-grubbing peasant you are. Oh, and you’ll only find out it’s full-time in the Skegness office at the interview. I didn’t want to put you off.

Lying

Don’t worry, I will flat out lie. Like when I say I the job, which you weren’t really that fussed about anyway, was ‘yours barring some formalities’. Now you’re four different psychometric tests, two interviews and a meet-and-greet deep. And they’ve asked your current employer for a reference.

Ghosting

In the unfortunate event that things don’t work out, you will be told promptly and sensitively with constructive feedback. Joking. You’ll never hear from me again, though I will send an automated request for you to give me a five-star rating on Google.

Taking rejection badly

However, if you dare have the bad grace to tell me you don’t want the job? Making me look a fool in front of Linda from HR? You’ve ripped the commission from this precious little recruiter like bread from an orphan’s hands. And I only entered you to make up the f**king numbers.

A WOMAN who works as a ‘brand optimising consultant’ actually leads a nightmarish hand-to-mouth existence, friends have noticed.

Hannah 32, not her real name or age, impressively-titled business appears, according to witnesses, to involve working incredibly long hours for horribly demanding bastards then chasing them to pay her.

Friend Guido, not his real name, said: “Her website is like wow. But last month I had to lend her £100 so she could buy food.

“Honestly, hear her talk about what she does and you’d think she was being jetted around the world by blue-chip companies delivering wisdom to 54th-floor boardrooms, not ringing around crap local firms begging for work.

“She’s so in love with ‘going it alone’ and ‘leveraging her skillset’ that she hasn’t noticed she’d earn more watching repeats of Taggart all day on the dole.”

Bradford said: “Essentially, I help customer-facing brands achieve their engagement potential by crafting their journey into compelling narratives that fully engage consumers.

“Fluctuating revenue streams are a natural part of the business cycle. And now I’ve closed the deal with Gary’s Pizza ’N’ Chicken Hut I can afford to buy a second pair of trousers.”

AN UNORIGINAL woman only enjoys music, books and films that are enjoyable enough to be loved by millions, she has confirmed. 

The TV shows watched and holiday destinations visited by normcore 32-year-old Joanna, not her real name, are all painfully obvious choices united only by the fact they are widely accepted as excellent.

She said: “It wins me no cool points that my favourite artist is Taylor Swift or my favourite film Bridget Jones’s Diary,but they are good. That’s why I like them.

“And while I recognise I might seem more interesting if I was into the films of Jim Jarmusch or regularly attended open mic poetry slams in pub basements, I tend to avoid those things because when it comes down to it they’re shit.

“My favourite show is Friends. You know, that sitcom beloved by multiple generations and is still funny after all this time. And yes, I drink water out of a Stanley cup. Have you seen how much water those bad boys hold?

“When I go abroad it’s Venice or Paris or the white sand beaches of Majorca, all of which are f**king ace. And I take a Richard Osman book with me because they’re easy to read with a compelling mystery. And I have a brilliant time.”

Friend Donna, not her real name, who after much effort once managed to enjoy a Tracey Emin installation, said: “Joanna once dragged me to a Coldplay gig. It pains me to say they put on an incredible show.”

A WOMAN has announced she is to marry so she will, for the rest of her life, have cast-iron proof of her current hotness. 

Lauren, not her real name, aged 28, is to wed 30-year-old Tom Booker because she loves him and because she has reached her absolute peak so it would be a shame not to commemorate it with an album of photos, a video and a wedding ring.

She said: “A kiss from a man may be quite complimentary, but when it comes to definitively proving attractiveness marriage is a girl’s best friend.

“Nothing compares to the joy of saying ‘I got chosen!’ You may be f**kable, but so f**kable the guy never wants to f**k anyone else and says so in front of a vicar and his nan? That’s real power.

“A whole day whose sole purpose is everyone telling me how amazing I look also sounds pretty good. And, I guess, pledging enduring love and commitment to Tom. But it’s not his big day, is it? It’s mine.

“So, all in all, I got picked. That’s what matters. That’s why it says that on the back of the car instead of ‘just married’.”

Booker said: “So I’ve written this for the vows: ‘You are the prettiest of all the girls who have let me shag them’? Is that the kind of thing?”