How to be the most coupley couple of all the couples you know
LOVED up, but not inducing as much nausea as other couples? Follow these tips to become the most in-your-face sweethearts the world has ever despised:…
Is he an anxious avoidant with unresolved trauma or are you maybe just a bit annoying?
WHY isn’t he texting back? Unresolved childhood trauma? Unconventional attachment style? Or are you annoying? Let’s break it down like his parents’ marriage: Communication His…
Woman who married first boring bastard she met at uni judging friend for being single
A WOMAN who settled for a dullard she constantly moans about still looks down on a friend for remaining single, it has emerged. Susan, not…
What’s the best wine pairing for my current life crisis?
IF YOU’RE having a crisis, don’t just reach for any wine. Read our guide to discover the perfect grape-based alcoholic drink to match your problem.…
Seven highly effective ways of f**king candidates over, by a recruitment consultant
HI, [INSERT NAME HERE], I came across your LinkedIn profile and thought you would be a great fit to make me look like I’ve got…
Woman with incredibly impressive job title actually earns £11k
A WOMAN who works as a ‘brand optimising consultant’ actually leads a nightmarish hand-to-mouth existence, friends have noticed. Hannah 32, not her real name or…
Basic woman only likes culture that’s really good
AN UNORIGINAL woman only enjoys music, books and films that are enjoyable enough to be loved by millions, she has confirmed. The TV shows watched…
Woman gets married to prove she’s pretty
A WOMAN has announced she is to marry so she will, for the rest of her life, have cast-iron proof of her current hotness. Lauren,…
Friday booked off by devious little shits
PEOPLE who booked Friday off work are cackling like maniacs at the success of their scheme. The devious, probably evil individuals submitted holiday forms months…
Office worker can’t remember how to pretend to be productive
AN office worker is struggling to remember how to look busy while accomplishing nothing after four days of total leisure. Returning to his desk after…
Stupid things it’s fine to get worked up about instead of shit that matters
DON’T sweat the small stuff, say wankers everywhere, but life does not seem to bear that out. Here are five stupid things it’s fine to…
Man unsure how to talk to women after being told not to be so patronising
A MAN has been forced to completely rethink how he talks to women after being told he should not be so patronising. Guido, 28,not his…
Management sees woman’s untapped potential to work weekends
A MANAGER has identified one of his employees as having what it takes to work most weekends. Hannah, not her real name, a junior marketing executive,…
Vaper confident that caramel-flavoured nicotine gas could never be detrimental to health
A VAPE user doesn’t believe that inhaling gallons of flavoured nicotine mist might be somehow be unhealthy. Kah Heng, not his real name, whose favourite…
We’re not mentioning salary because we know you’re above that, says job advert
EMPLOYERS advertising for new staff have confirmed they do not post salaries because prospective employees are beyond such petty considerations. Businesses agree that any discussion…
Key to happy relationship is remembering you obviously can’t do any better
THE key to a happy relationship is reminding yourself that you cannot possibly do any better, it has been confirmed. The claim was made by…
Woman playfully tests new boyfriend by brutally criticising everything about him
A WOMAN is playfully seeing how her new boyfriend will react to a pitiless dissection of everything he is, enjoys, or hopes to be. Lauren,…
Miserable man syndrome definitely nothing to do with us, agree wives
THE wives of middle-aged miserable men have agreed that this curious phenomenon is entirely unrelated to their own behaviour. Woman are baffled as to why…
Nose picking, and other activities people think are invisible when performed in a car
ENJOY having an in-depth rummage in your nasal passages while driving to Tesco? Did you know people can see you doing that, and these things…
44-year-old pretty sure he should still be about 32
A MAN is increasingly convinced that more than 10 years of his life have somehow passed too quickly, he has revealed. Middle manager Martin, not…