HUMOUR

A BORING couple are constantly buggering about making pointless alterations to their house.

Stephen and Nikki, not their real names, who are nice but have no personalities, recently bought a perfectly functional house and have been buggering about with useless building and decorating work ever since.

He said: “Of course the first thing to do when you buy a house is to rip out everything, especially the floor. The existing floor is never floor-y enough.

“Then you have to knock through some walls, and put in some sort of toilet in the loft. It’s never-ending really.”

She said: “We come home from work and it’s straight on with the overalls, then we crack on buggering about with the house, making lots of noise and generally pissing off everyone in the street.

“We could just watch telly but where would be the fun in that? Much better to needlessly hack away at our overpriced property.

“You’ve got to put your own individual stamp on it. Even if that individual stamp is just whatever is popular at the time.”

Neighbour Roy, not his real name, said: “Sometimes they have a cement mixer on at 3am. It was better when there were junkies living there, at least they were quiet.”

ARE you getting bad vibes from your boss and fear you may soon be fired? Take our fun quiz and find out for sure!

When you arrive at work on Monday what does your boss do?

A. Cheerfully say something like, “Hi, Jim. Did you have a nice weekend?”

B. Look as if their dog has just died and frantically check the clock in the desperate hope they can sack you for repeated lateness.

What is the highest praise you have ever had at work?

A. “Brilliant stuff, Jenny. The whole project would have been up shit creek without you holding the fort.”  

B. “Well, at least there are some simple tasks you can do without completely fucking them up.” 

At your last ‘performance review’, what did your boss ask you?

A. What training you need to develop your skills and advance within the company.

B. Whether you’ve ever considered a totally different career, such as going to fight in Afghanistan or becoming a hobo.

What was the last advice your boss gave you?

A. “Keep up the good work and you’re looking at becoming head of department eventually.”

B. “You’re not a bloody student anymore so pull your bloody socks up or you’re out on your arse. AND STOP STARING OUT THE BLOODY WINDOW WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!”

What happened the last time you asked for a pay rise?

A. Your boss worked out a generous package because they “wanted to hang onto the good people”.

B. Your boss burst into laughter and told you to fuck off.

Mostly As. Your job is secure but you’re probably the sort of corporate bellend who says things like, “Really enjoyed the marketing brainstorming session, Gavin!”

Mostly Bs. You may soon be out of a job. Nick as much stuff from work as you can, although you probably already do that.

THINK you’re about to embark on a delightful holiday with your lovely family? You aren’t. Here are six ways your kids will f**k it up.

Start fighting in the car

Before you’ve even turned the corner of your street, your children will be antagonising each other, despite being bribed with iPads and sweets to keep quiet. By the time you’ve pulled onto the motorway they’ll be full on punching each other and you’ll be psyching yourself up to give them the bollocking of their lives at the next services. So relaxing.

Disappear at the airport

There’s inevitably a long wait at the airport, which you will spend keeping an obsessive, hawk-like eye on your kids while child-free people do nice things like read books and drink beer. At some stage they will disappear for 20 terrifying minutes before they are eventually found attempting to shoplift LOL Dolls from WHSmiths.

Refuse to eat anything

They point-blank refuse to eat olives and prosciutto at home, but you’re sure they’ll change their minds when dining in a genuine Italian trattoria. They don’t, and loudly demand chips while you are stared at with pitying contempt by a whole roomful of locals who think you are a family of plebs.

Wake you up at 5am

For you, holidays are a time to relax and have a lie-in. Your children, however, spend the duration being either wildly overexcited or desperately bored, and want you to get up criminally early every day to entertain them. You might as well have stayed at home, you think, as it would be exactly the same but way cheaper.

Be grizzly little shits all the way home

The holiday is over and the whole family is even more exhausted than they were when you left. Your kids express their fatigue by grizzling throughout, kicking the back of the aeroplane seat in front of them and having a full on tantrum in arrivals because they want to go back to Spain. Happy holidays!

HOW their dad was ever considered attractive by the opposite sex is beyond most people’s imaginations, it has emerged.

Even the most intelligent Britons are struggling to comprehend how the man they primarily know for binge-watching World War Two documentaries and complaining about the central heating could ever have seduced a woman.

Son Huw from Redhil, not his real name, said: “Maybe he paid his way into their affections? It’s the only plausible explanation I can think of, apart from them having a head injury.

“I doubt he wooed anyone with his Fat Face wardrobe, confidently ill-informed political opinions and refusing to do any housework. Unless there was zero competition back then and mum’s self-worth was at rock bottom.”

Other son, Rhys, not his real name, said: “Obviously I don’t want to think about my dad flirting for my own mental wellbeing, but I’m morbidly curious about it too. It’s the same feeling you get when you’re rubbernecking a road accident, but potentially more mentally scarring.

“He wasn’t rich, he certainly wasn’t good-looking, he had no ambition and if his texts are anything to go by he didn’t win women over with his sweet nothings. His conquests are a mystery for the ages like the Mary Celeste or how they built Stonehenge.”

Dad Dave, not his real name, said: “Two words: beer goggles.”

EVER included the phrase ‘as per my previous email’ to suggest the person you’re writing to is as thick as mince? Then you’ll enjoy these too: 

Please advise

Used as the last paragraph of an email, all by itself, this screams ‘What the f**k have you done, you useless bellend? And how the f*ck are you going to sort it out? Because there’s no way I’m taking any of the blame for this.’

Does that make sense?

Essentially translates as ‘This is not the first time I’ve explained this. You are clearly very, very stupid and I want you to know but can’t tell you to your face until we’re both sh*tfaced at the next Christmas party.’

Please let me know if I am missing something

Even scarier than telling them they’re an idiot is suggesting they think you are. Especially good if you’re their line manager and they spend the few months having a nervous breakdown about their appraisal.

You were CC’d

You completely ignored something that wasn’t directed specifically at you, like a toddler who doesn’t respond unless you bark their name first. Especially embarrassing when lots of other people were CC’d in as well.

Per HR policy

Suggesting you’ll bring in the big boys will sh*t whoever you’re emailing right up, even if you have no idea whether they have transgressed HR policy or not. At the very least it’ll make them actually read the email.

Regards

Nothing says ‘I hate everything about you, you feckless twat’, than an ice cold ‘Regards’ at the end of an email. The written equivalent of slamming a door in their face.

A WOMAN who enjoys stationery as an abstract, decorative concept has been disgusted to see it being used for its assigned purpose.

Publishing editor Emma, not her real name, who regularly treats herself to a new notebook with vellum pages and places it on view with the others, was sickened when she saw a friend brazenly crack the spine of a journal then deface it with handwriting.

She said: “Why? When those pages were all lovely and blank?

“Next she’ll start carrying it around with her, using it willy-nilly, getting its pages all crinkled and bent like a common slut. My notepads stay at home, safe from the horrors of callous biros.

“That book could have been anything. A wellness journal, a travel diary, a novel or a screenplay or just a list of things to be grateful for, written in lovely script with a fountain pen. Now it’s apparently noting down songs she likes, no better than a phone.

“Does she know how many notebooks I’ve had to throw away because I foolishly wrote something on the first few pages and ruined it? They should be kept virgin and beautiful.”

Friend Francesca, not her real name, said: “Also, I scuff up the edge of rubbers by using them and sit on decorative cushions. Watch out, motherf**kers.”

A MAN has been shocked to learn that his partner can hear any of his inner thoughts that express dissent. 

Anthony, not his real name, made the discovery during a minor argument with wife Jessm about how he scoops out large lumps of Lurpak from the tub instead of neatly scraping it from the top.

He said: “Jess was annoyed about the way the spread always has ‘craters’ in it, and claimed her toast goes cold while she’s smoothing it back down. 

“For the sake of an easy life I agreed to make sure the spread was smooth before I put it back in the fridge. But in my head I was thinking: ‘Christ, there’s more to life than sodding spread being flat.’

“Jess immediately said: ‘Yes, there’s more to life than spread. Such as sex, which is frankly less likely to happen if you don’t stop pissing me off with all your annoying lazy-arsed habits.’

“What the f**k? She must have read my mind. Is she psychic? This is terrifying. Is she listening to every thought in my head 24/7? It’s like that Twilight Zone episode with the evil telepathic kid. I’d better start watching what I’m thinking about Dianne Buswell during Strictly.

“Or can Ellie only read my mind when I’m thinking something she doesn’t like? I reckon it’s that, because while I was thinking it Ellie said: ‘Yes, that’s how it works.’ I’m scared.”

Jess said: “Actually I can’t read Anthony’s mind, he’s just incredibly predictable and easy to read. I’d rather not know his thoughts because I’m pretty sure it’s all shit like ‘Can a shark can swim faster than Usain Bolt can run?’”

A TEACHER recognised by his pupils as ‘cool’ is actually a 28-year-old man desperate to be popular with children, it has emerged. 

Julian, not his real name, a biology teacher at a Sheffield secondary school, has cultivated a reputation for being ‘dank’ by wearing trainers, gossiping about other staff and sharing anecdotes about ‘vomming’ during his Freshers Week ten long years ago.

15-year-old Jordan said: “J – he asked us to call him that – is a proper legend.

“Other teachers are all ‘where’s your coursework?’ but J sits in front of the desk, in a chair he’s spun around the wrong way, talking about Sabrina Carpenter, scrolling TikTok in class and moaning about living with his parents. He’s so relatable.

“Other teachers, it’s like they don’t care what we think of them. Cooky takes a real interest in our lives, running the Warhammer club and telling us what pub he drinks in so we can have a pint with him once we’re 18.

“He’s definitely the coolest teacher in the school. No wonder all the rest of the teachers are too intimidated to hang out with him.”

Julian said: “Yeah, they might not pass their GCSE because we’re hanging and talking smack. But I didn’t do well in exams and look at me now.”

A COUPLE who believe that anything is achievable when you’re in deeply in love are proving it by starting a business.

Corey and Sian, not their real names, from Perth are so smitten with each other they are quitting jobs which force them apart eight hours a day so they can run an artisanal cafe together and never be separated.

He said: “We’re the perfectly-fitting pieces of a heart-shaped necklace charm, and we’ve embarked on a life journey and made a commitment to ourselves. How can that not sell cakes?

“We agree on everything and we absolutely cannot bear to be separated, not even for an instant, which is the ideal foundation for a passion project. Put your whole self out there and the world will reward you.”

Sian agreed: “Everything tastes better when it’s made with love. I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole of town, which was shit before we arrived, has a romantic renaissance.

“Certainly people will come in just to bask in our love, once they hear about it, which they currently haven’t which is why we have no customers. And we’re not providing wifi to encourage everyone to build relationships as fulfilling as ours.”

Resident Margaret, not her real name, said: “It’s so wonderful we’ll be seeing not only a business fail, but also a couple fall apart and hate each other. And all we have to do is nothing.”

A 22-YEAR-OLD has returned from a gap year full of priceless first-hand knowledge that is only available to others via Wikipedia. 

Rubin, not his real name, travels in India, Thailand and Australia have given him incredible insights which he is sharing with those who only knew about it from TV, the internet, books and common sense.

He said: “Mumbai blew my mind. You couldn’t possibly imagine how crowded it is, and in the middle of the worst slums there are people earning pennies to make goods for the West. Isn’t that incredible?

“On the other hand you’ve got all these amazing palaces and modern skyscrapers. It’s difficult to put into words, but I suppose you’d call it a ‘city of opposites’.

“Thailand was another eye-opener. You see these incredibly beautiful ladies in the clubs, but – and I warn you, this is almost impossible to believe – they’re actually guys. Seriously.

“Australia’s more like Britain but it’s hotter and they have these beach parties that wouldn’t be practical in, say, Plymouth. Also they’re quite into outdoor cooking on grills.

“I’ve learned so much I’m going to write up my journal into a book. People need to know.”

GEN Z has confirmed the mullet is the official hairstyle of anyone who wishes to announce they stand outside of the gender binary. 

Neither boyish and short nor long and feminine, the mullet represents the younger generation’s refusal to conform to traditional standards of gender or beauty and willingness to look like a truck driver from 1987.

Sophie, not her real name, aged 20 with a nine-month-old mullet, said: “It’s inclusive. It’s neither one thing nor the other. It’s open to all who wish to be defined not by the sex they were born into but by their resemblance to Billy Ray Cyrus.

“We’re a generation that uses our style to show off our values – look at our shapeless, oversized T-shirts bearing ironic corporate logos as an example. Mullets promote pansexuality, as it’s impossible to tell the age or sex of whoever you’re chatting up.

“40-year-old lesbian? 19-year-old straight man? It’s a sexual bran tub where you don’t know who you’re going home with until you get their going-out Crocs and trackie bottoms off.

“And it’s asexual-friendly. Team a mullet with a bumbag and you’re cock-blocking the entire world.”

She added: “Mullets are massive on TikTok, the app tech experts have warned is being exploited by China to harm Western youth. Coincidence.”

AN office worker is taking time off work with stress after receiving a message from an older colleague that concluded with a full stop.

Josh, not his real name, 21, had been in good spirits before being ‘emotionally blindsided’ by the text and its ‘aggressive’ use of punctuation, which meant he had to be signed off sick.

He said: “I couldn’t believe my eyes at first, but there it was: that horrible little dot. I felt so overwhelmed with dread I had to have a lie down.

“Who does that to someone? Everyone knows that a full stop makes the most innocuous message seem sinister and terrifying. I’d honestly have preferred to receive a letter written in his blood.

“A colon would have left me feeling a bit confused. An ellipsis would have just proved his age. But a full stop is truly over the line. These millennials really need to think more about the damage caused by their violent grammar.”

The offending message was sent by Tom, not his real name, 41, who maintains he has ‘no f**king idea what’s going on’.

He said: “All I said was ‘see you tomorrow’ with a full stop at the end. I could have told him I thought he was a pathetic little wetwipe followed by an exclamation mark. That would have shit him up for life.”

A WOMAN who started posting generic images with inspiring quotes written across them to Instagram has definitely been chucked.

Lucy, not her real name, stopped uploading the usual photos of herself at the gym and eating nice dinners in favour of phrases like ‘Where there is no struggle, there is no strength’ on top of a picture of a sunset.

Friend Sophie, not her real name, said: “She has one hundred percent been ditched. No woman starts plastering their social media with that kind of insipid shit unless she is on the edge of a mental and emotional spiral.

“It wasn’t initially clear at first, as ‘There’s a difference between giving up and starting over’ is pretty vague, as well as being utterly inane. But when she cracked out ‘Sometimes you’ve got to disconnect to introspect’, I just knew. Especially as it was accompanied by an image of a lone woman dancing on a beach.

“Since then it’s been wall-to-wall cheerful sunflowers and brooding mountains plastered with quotes that were initially coined by civil rights activists but have been co-opted by people who’ve been dumped after six months of on/off romance.

“I’m hoping she’ll soon move on from inner strength to drunken breakdown, as pictures of her shitfaced and crying in clubs will be more entertaining than this vapid nonsense.”

THOUSANDS of bone idle people have full-time paid employment, it has emerged.

As the government once again backed ‘hard workers’, lazy employed people have been left wondering where they stand in all this.

Sales manager Tom, not his real name, said: “I pay my taxes but I certainly don’t work hard.

“Thanks to technology I can do the minimum required amount of work quickly, then spend the remaining six hours looking at music and pornography websites.

“Occasionally I have to give my subordinates a bollocking for behaving exactly as I do, but that’s about as stressful as it gets.”

Professor Hannah, not her real name, , of the Institute for Studies, said: “The inference seems to be that unemployed people are ‘shirkers’. But doing a job is often less hassle than trying to get one. Especially if you’re some sort of office manager, which basically amounts to babysitting adults.

“The government also champions people who want to work hard. But these people do not exist.

“Humans like booze, cake, telly and sex. They’re a bit less keen on busting their arses.”

A MAN who asks people to correct him if he was wrong does not in fact wish to be corrected, it has emerged.

Jon, not his real name, from Southhampton recently declared that wi-fi signals caused a range of serious illnesses, and invited people to correct him if he was mistaken.

However upon being told that wi-fi caused nothing except faster-loading websites, Jon became angry.

He responded: “Correct me if I’m wrong, but wi-fi is basically tiny lasers shot directly into our brains.

“The only safe internet is dial-up and people who deny it, correct me if I’m wrong, are paid by the government to spread lies.

“You also shouldn’t have a microwave, because it makes the iron in your blood radioactive. Correct me if I’m wrong.”

Jon’s workmate Marttin, not his real name, said: “I tried to tell Jon he was wrong and he lost his temper and said I was a munter. He added that nobody asked for my opinion.”

Jon said: “In the future I’ll just begin every sentence with the words ‘Do not attempt to correct me, because I am right’.”

THE young are furious. And, as a middle-aged newspaper columnist living in Hampstead, nobody is better placed to empathise than I am. 

Across the world disaffected members of Generation Z are in despair and you know, I think it’s because of the exact same things I, a member of Generation X, find most concerning.

Climate change, the housing crisis, the rise of populist leaders, the decline of The White Lotus, Gaza and microplastics are the reasons for their unhappiness, and, coincidentally, mine.

But will the political class listen? No. Instead we witness the unedifying spectacle of Keir Starmer lip-syncing an Enoch Powell speech for his TikTok account in a desperate attempt to connect with the youth who aren’t bothered, except in unrepresentative surveys.

Who can blame them for staying in bed smoking weed all day when London house prices are unaffordable? When they can’t get jobs in the media? When wild swimming is no longer accessible?

These teenagers cannot count on a lifestyle like their parents enjoy. And I know, for I am one of those parents. Is it any wonder they call me a ‘stupid bitch’ and slam their bedroom doors? Can we blame them?

No. Instead, we should be learning from the young. We should be doing everything they tell us to do, as long as they’re not those 4chan ones who back Trump and Farage.

So my message to the youth of today is I’m here, and I’m listening to whatever you have to say. Unless it is ‘go f**k yourself’ in which case you have got it wrong.

A MAN in a new relationship was concerned to learn that his girlfriend has friends and an active social life. 

Tom has been dating Jo, not their real names, for a month but has only just realised that her vague mentions of ‘friends’ are actually real people he is expected to meet.

He said: “Oh, what? Not again. This is exactly what happened with the last two.

“I want a girlfriend, not a whole bunch of other people to have to meet up and drink with and pretend to be interested in even though they clearly prefer Jo’s company to mine.

“Honestly I’ve no objection to her having them in theory but they’re getting in the way of us spending time together, like when I texted ‘U up?’ at 11pm on Monday and she was with her mate ‘Hayley’, whoever that is.

“I haven’t invited her to five-a-side with the lads, so why would she think I needed to know about all her personal life? What’s next?”

Logan added: “She’s said her brother’s coming over Saturday and we could go for a drink if I wanted. I’ve texted back ‘I think this is getting too complicated.’”

A WOMAN has informed friends she is prioritising her mental wellbeing by setting boundaries of only doing what she enjoys.

Karen, not her real name,  and her therapist have concluded that continually acting in ways that are not in accordance with her desires has proven detrimental to her sense of self and is causing her anxiety, so from now on she will not.

She explained: “For example, I didn’t want to go for Thai for Chris’s birthday last week, because lemongrass causes me distress, because I don’t like it.

“But instead of asserting my boundaries and putting myself first I allowed others to ignore my no, failed to express my discomfort and had a pad chaa I didn’t really want. So you can see what a violation that was.

“From now on I’m setting clear boundaries. If it’s a bar, it has to be one I like. If it’s a film it has to be one I fancy. If I want Kirsty to stop moaning about her ex then she needs to. Otherwise I’m falling into a trap of co-dependency and not valuing myself.

“Asking me to justify my boundaries is a violation. Not acknowledging them is disrespect. Joking about them is a manipulation tactic. Anyway, what are we doing this weekend?”

Friend Hannha, not her real name, said: “Does texting cross Charlie’s healthy, necessary boundaries? I can’t remember and can’t text to ask. So I won’t.”

AN OFFICE worker has been furious with his colleagues, clients and all office equipment for seven years straight, it has emerged.

Systems analyst Wayne, not his real name, has been at the same company for eight years, remaining irritable, impatient and uncommunicative for all of that time.

When not muttering under his breath about the intranet or eating his sandwiches alone in the car park, Hayes is enraged about his portfolio of clients, whom he describes as ‘fuckheads’.

Colleague Nikki, not her real name, said: “I don’t know what would make him happy. Perhaps an apocalyptic event that destroyed everything on earth except him and his Honda Civic?

“If he doesn’t like it here, why doesn’t he leave? Apart from the obvious, which is that it’s hard to get any sort of job and he must work to keep a roof over his head because he was born into the lower echelons of an inherently unfair society.

“Actually I can sort of see where he’s coming from.”

Co-worker Tom, not his real name, said: “It is shit working here, most of us try to make the best of it but Wayne responds truthfully to his situation like some sweary Buddha. Either that or he’s just a miserable bastard.”

A SIMPLE monosyllabic text from a father has left his family scratching their heads. Can you make sense of it?

The children of 48-year-old Martin, not his real name, have been turning to the internet for answers after receiving a confusing, poorly-written text message from their father that reads: ‘hi gone mum back soon pub’

Martin’s son Noha said: “It may look straightforward enough but we’ve been parsing this for hours. 

“Has he gone to the pub with mum, or is he saying that he’s at the pub alone and mum will be back home soon? Thanks to his stubborn refusal to use punctuation it’s impossible to tell.”

Daughter Kelly added: “We tried calling and messaging dad for some clarification, but he refused to pick up and only replied with a pig emoji. Does that mean he’s having a meal or that he’s swung by a farm? Both are equally plausible.”

One online commenter tweeted: “It’s wrong to assume this text was intentionally sent to his children. For all we know Martin could have been messaging his own mum or a secret family he’s got on the other side of town.”

Father-of-two Martin said: “It’s pretty obvious. I’ve gone on a beer-tasting residential course and won’t be back until Monday. Oh and my wife has left me.”