Five ways to be a twat at a petrol station
DO you see filling up with petrol as a challenge to piss off other customers? Here are some practical ways to be a forecourt f**kwit.…
Man believes there is such a thing as ‘quality tequila’
A MAN is insisting his friends dislike tequila because they have not had the ‘good stuff’, not because it is irretrievably vile regardless of cost.…
Man’s gaydar so outdated it cannot detect post-2000 homosexuals
A MAN’S once-functioning gaydar is so outdated it is no longer able to detect anyone who came out post-millennium. Straight man Jon, not his real…
Man achieves perfect work-life balance by quitting job
A MAN has achieved the perfect balance between his personal life and professional duties by quitting the latter entirely. Former marketing supervisor Tom, not his…
Homeworker recalled to office doing piss-all to prove point
A HOMEWORKER ordered back to the office is spending long lazy days doing nothing to prove her point. Procurement manager Karen, not her real name,…
The self-employed guide to justifying ridiculous expenses on your tax return
IT’S tax time again and that means you’re probably tempted to put in some dodgy expenses. Here’s a handy guide to what you can claim,…
Absolute arsehole brings in nice pack lunch every day
AN ARSEHOLE is upsetting his colleagues by bringing a really lovely packed lunch into work everyday. With multiple Tupperware boxes containing delicious homemade meals, Martin,…
How to live in a house: a guide for millennials, by a posh girl
LABOUR have rashly promised the financially unfortunate from my generation the chance to own a home. Might be tough for some of you who aren’t…
Everything in man’s shopping basket has cheese on it or will have cheese added to it
A MAN has noticed that everything in his shopping basket is cheese, has cheese on it or will have cheese somehow added to it. Martin,…
Man struggling to find right work-skive balance
A MAN working a standard nine-to-five office job is finding it almost impossible to find the right ratio of working to doing f**k all. Martin,…
Man weirdly passionate about dog keeping its balls
A MAN is under the strange impression that neutering his dog will have a direct and irreversible effect on his own manhood. Anthony and wide…
Woman leading feminist lifestyle not doing so by choice
A WOMAN living her life as a proud, independent feminist who makes her own decisions and does her own DIY would prefer not to, she…
Fisherman’s tranquil day of country drinking ruined by massive f**king fish
AN angler’s quiet day boozing amid the wonders of nature was completely ruined by catching a huge, smelly, slimy fish. Shaun, 32, not his real…
Liking mornings linked to being stupid
PEOPLE who are upbeat in the morning have extremely low intelligence, it has been confirmed. Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that self-styled ‘morning…
Couple’s date night is staying in, getting pissed and shagging
A COUPLE have created their own version of date night where they do not go out in favour of drinking alcohol then having sex. Lucy…
Friends who always cancel don’t like you
FRIENDS who always cancel plans to go out do not like you and are not your friends, research has found. The rise of ‘flaking’ or…
Woman on diet has lost one and a half friends since start of January
A WOMAN on a new diet has already seen her social engagements slimmed down dramatically. Emma, not her real name, has been telling everyone about the…
How to remember what your crappy job is
ARE you back at work but struggling to remember what you’re meant to be doing? Read our guide and find out. What can you see?…
Barista spells your name wrong deliberately because you’re a twat
A STARBUCKS staff member who always writes a terrible misspelling of your forename on your cup does so because the consensus of the staff is…
Tiresome health fanatics pretending they need to lose weight
FITNESS obsessives across the UK are claiming they need to lose weight after Christmas, it has emerged. Thousands of fit, toned self-absorbed individuals are strangely…