Man loves banging on about how f**ked things are
A MAN gets a weird self-righteous buzz from talking about how screwed everything is. 29-year-old Scott, not his real name, gets a kick out of describing the…
‘Work harder’, and other brilliant advice from a new manager brought in to shake things up
HI, I’m Nicole, your new manager in Sydney, I want to touch base on my plan for overhauling this team and getting on your tits.…
Teenager’s accent changes dramatically when parents leave the house
THE neighbours of a well-spoken teenager have noticed his accent radically alters when his parents are not around. 17-year-old Huw, not his real name, speech…
Teenager messaging boy she met on bus believes she’s in a situationship
A 13-year-old girl who has exchanged messages with a boy on Instagram has decided to attach the label situationship to their conversation. Grace, not her…
Seven problems attractive people have you could probably cope with
ATTRACTIVE people get preferential treatment at work, research has found, but the gorgeous have replied that beauty brings its own issues. You feel you could…
Woman has valid reason for not closing each of her 47 open tabs
A WOMAN has a legitimate reason for each of the 47 tabs on her computer being open. Nikki, not her real name, has provided a…
Neighbours delighted man’s friend beeped car horn 15 times as he left last night
A MAN’S neighbours are glad his friend was able to beep his car horn numerous times last night as way of saying goodbye. Anthony, invited…
‘Dude’ and other terms women use to keep men at non-romantic distance
WOMEN have a vast array of words at their disposal to keep men in the friend zone. Here are some that strongly suggest you’ve got…
We’ve been together for 23 years but aren’t married. How special are we?
OUR relationship is the best, by far. Because although we’ve been a couple for decades with children and a mortgage, we’re incredibly special because we’re…
‘Who’s a good little mansplainer? You are’, says wife, pinching husband’s chubby cheeks
A MAN who successfully explained something to his wife she already knew has been congratulated in a manner befitting his achievement. Jesica, not her real…
Five ways to be a twat at a petrol station
DO you see filling up with petrol as a challenge to piss off other customers? Here are some practical ways to be a forecourt f**kwit.…
Man believes there is such a thing as ‘quality tequila’
A MAN is insisting his friends dislike tequila because they have not had the ‘good stuff’, not because it is irretrievably vile regardless of cost.…
Man’s gaydar so outdated it cannot detect post-2000 homosexuals
A MAN’S once-functioning gaydar is so outdated it is no longer able to detect anyone who came out post-millennium. Straight man Jon, not his real…
Man achieves perfect work-life balance by quitting job
A MAN has achieved the perfect balance between his personal life and professional duties by quitting the latter entirely. Former marketing supervisor Tom, not his…
Homeworker recalled to office doing piss-all to prove point
A HOMEWORKER ordered back to the office is spending long lazy days doing nothing to prove her point. Procurement manager Karen, not her real name,…
The self-employed guide to justifying ridiculous expenses on your tax return
IT’S tax time again and that means you’re probably tempted to put in some dodgy expenses. Here’s a handy guide to what you can claim,…
Absolute arsehole brings in nice pack lunch every day
AN ARSEHOLE is upsetting his colleagues by bringing a really lovely packed lunch into work everyday. With multiple Tupperware boxes containing delicious homemade meals, Martin,…
How to live in a house: a guide for millennials, by a posh girl
LABOUR have rashly promised the financially unfortunate from my generation the chance to own a home. Might be tough for some of you who aren’t…
Everything in man’s shopping basket has cheese on it or will have cheese added to it
A MAN has noticed that everything in his shopping basket is cheese, has cheese on it or will have cheese somehow added to it. Martin,…
Man struggling to find right work-skive balance
A MAN working a standard nine-to-five office job is finding it almost impossible to find the right ratio of working to doing f**k all. Martin,…