A WOMAN has announced she is to marry so she will, for the rest of her life, have cast-iron proof of her current hotness.
Lauren, not her real name, aged 28, is to wed 30-year-old Tom Booker because she loves him and because she has reached her absolute peak so it would be a shame not to commemorate it with an album of photos, a video and a wedding ring.
She said: “A kiss from a man may be quite complimentary, but when it comes to definitively proving attractiveness marriage is a girl’s best friend.
“Nothing compares to the joy of saying ‘I got chosen!’ You may be f**kable, but so f**kable the guy never wants to f**k anyone else and says so in front of a vicar and his nan? That’s real power.
“A whole day whose sole purpose is everyone telling me how amazing I look also sounds pretty good. And, I guess, pledging enduring love and commitment to Tom. But it’s not his big day, is it? It’s mine.
“So, all in all, I got picked. That’s what matters. That’s why it says that on the back of the car instead of ‘just married’.”
Booker said: “So I’ve written this for the vows: ‘You are the prettiest of all the girls who have let me shag them’? Is that the kind of thing?”