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DEAR DEIDRE: OPENING up our relationship has been thrilling and better than I expected, until my boyfriend’s latest suggestion – that he sleeps with my childhood best friend.
Non-monogamy made our sex life far more exciting as we shared our adventures with each other. I’ve had three different partners, he’s had two and we always talk about our experiences after. It’s such a thrill.
But now he’s been making a move on a friend of mine and it feels too close to home. And instead of just talking about their adventures after, he wants to record it and ‘enjoy the footage together’.
His request feels like he’s overstepping the mark. I almost thought we didn’t need to say it but surely we shouldn’t be bringing in people we know already – let alone people we are close to.
And it’s one thing talking about our escapades and another thing being confronted with the evidence.
My boyfriend and I met three years ago in London, after I moved from the south coast. I’m 27 and he’s 28.
We’ve been living together for just over two years and everything has been great.
It was my suggestion to try polyamory. Although at first he was cautious, after we both researched how to open up your relationship, he agreed to give it a go.
We’ve been non-monagamous for over a year now and make sure that we keep checking in with each other.
Our rules are simple, that we tell each other who we are seeing, and that we let the other person know our relationship status.
People warned me it would wreck our relationship but I’d say it’s done the opposite – up until now anyway. Our sex life is so much better and we talk about our sexual exploits with others which is so erotic.
I look at friends in long term relationships and can see they are getting bored staying in together night after night.
There is always so much going on in London, and I’ve loved exploring all the different areas when I’ve been on different dates.
I’ve seen three different guys regularly and my boyfriend has two regular women he hooks up with.
I’ve never felt a twinge of jealousy before, but I could tell when he came back to my home town with me at Christmas he’d taken a shine to my friend.
Not long after we returned he told me he’s started messaging her and was going to ask her out.
He seemed surprised when I got upset.
He’d be making a big effort to see her as he’d have to travel over an hour and a half to get there.
Am I being over sensitive or does he want to go too far?
The Different Types of Non-monogamy
There are many types of non-monogamous relationships. All of them allow sex with more than one person but the expectations for things like emotions, priority and lifestyles are very different.
Open Relationship/Monogamish
A committed couple that allows each other to have sex with other people.
Polyamory
Multiple emotional and sexual relationships at the same time, with the consent of everyone involved.
Hierarchical polyamory
A “primary” couple prioritise each other, but each has multiple romantic, sexual relationships too.
Non-Hierarchical Polyamory
Individuals engage in multiple romantic, sexual relationships without assigning priority.
Polyfidelity (also known as Triads, Couples or Quads)
Three or more people involved in an exclusive relationship.
Solo Poly
Having multiple intimate relationships with people while otherwise living a single lifestyle.
Swinging
A couple who have sex with other people, usually simultaneously.
Casual sex, casual dating, friends with benefits
Dating or having sex with multiple people, while remaining uncommitted to anyone.
Relationship Anarchy
Doing away with some or all of the traditional ‘rules’ applied to romantic relationships.
Polygamy
Polygamy is being married to more than one spouse. Polygamy isn’t legal in the UK.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve researched how to make non-monogamy work so will know the first rule is that you both have to be 100% happy with the arrangement.
The moment one of you feels unhappy or even unsure is the time to pause and reevaluate.
Talk to your boyfriend about your reservations. He won’t appreciate your position unless you explain.
This potential liaison isn’t solely about your boyfriend and his extra partner, it’s also about a pre-existing relationship between you and your childhood friend.
While you are totally at ease with your open relationship in London, bringing it closer to home, where you grew up and your family is, understandably feels different.
And as you say, your boyfriend would have to make a big effort to meet your friend, which could mean he’s getting emotionally involved.
Opening up your relationship for sexual relationships is one thing, but multiple romantic relationships can be much harder to navigate.
Again you both need to be clear about what you want from non-monogamy – is this about multiple sexual partners, or are extra emotional relationships okay?
My support pack Non-Monogamy explains more.
Dear Deidre’s Non-Monogamy Files
Deidre’s mailbag is bursting with open relationship problems. One reader was cut off by her best friend after finding out about her polyamorous relationship; another from a different subscriber who struggled with the reality of telling his family about his throuple, while one man was asked to open his relationship to hide his wife’s true sexuality.
Get in touch with the Dear Deidre team
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Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women’s issues and general features.
Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week.
Sally took over as The Sun’s Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.
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Jane Allton: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies.
Catherine Thomas: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues.
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