I told my wife she can swing without me after our sex life took downward turn – but I think I’m making a huge mistake

DEAR DEIDRE: SWINGING seemed like the ideal way to fix my relationship but now I’m having second thoughts.

My wife is planning to meet another man for sex, and though I’ve told her I’m OK with it, I’m worried that it’s a huge mistake.

We’ve been together for 15 years and are both aged in our forties.

When our sex life took a downward turn, I was worried.

From having regular, fulfilling sex, we were barely being intimate at all — and when we were, it was dull.

So, I suggested joining a swinging site. We set up a couple’s profile and had some video sex sessions with other couples.

It had the required effect — sex became exciting again and, from doing it only twice a month, we started having it three times a day like teenagers.

We couldn’t keep our hands off each other, even when we weren’t in bed.

We felt so connected. We talked about taking things a stage further than the video stuff, then my wife told me she’d given her number out to a man on the site and wanted to meet up with him.

The thought of turning our fantasies into reality was a thrill. Talking about it led to even more great sex and I realised I’d be happy with a threesome in real life.

But she informed me that she wanted to meet him alone. She told me she wasn’t into having a threesome in real life.

While I have no issue with her wanting sex with another man — in fact it is a huge turn-on — I assumed I’d be there.

She hasn’t arranged to meet him yet but I feel anxious about it. Part of me thinks I should let it play out and see where it goes.

Maybe they’ll invite me to join them next time.

But another part of me is afraid that if I agree to this, I’ll have set something in motion that might end up wrecking our marriage.

DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve said yes to your wife meeting this man for sex but you are clearly not happy about it.

When you suggested swinging, it was something you wanted to do as a couple, to bring you closer.

Now she’s shutting you out of the arrangement. Your fears are valid.

It’s OK to change your mind about this or anything to do with sex.

Now you need to be honest about how you feel.

My support pack, Swapping And Swinging, tells you more about the issues involved in this sort of arrangement.

Instead, why not suggest to your wife ways of reinvigorating your sex life without involving others.

My support packs, Saving Your Sex Life and 50 Ways To Add Fun to Sex, should help you do this.

THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME SHAKE HORRIBLE SLUR

DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my next-door neighbour’s ­teenage son accused me of stealing money from her house, I was horrified and hurt.

I had offered to water her plants while she was on holiday, and thought I was doing a good deed.

Instead, I was painted as a common thief, even though I am completely innocent.

I’m 52, and my neighbour and I have lived in the same street for 20 years.

When her son accused me, she said she believed me, but he was adamant I was the only person who could have taken the cash.

Unable to sleep, and worried for my reputation, I wrote to you.

You told me it was almost impossible to prove innocence. All I could do was tell the truth and remind my neighbour how long we had known each other. She probably didn’t want to believe that her son could be mistaken – or was even lying.

You recommended that I read your support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, which would help me to be assertive without getting into a row.

I am so pleased to report that my neighbour told her son she was certain I hadn’t taken that money.

And as you’d hinted, it turned out he was actually the thief. She made him apologise to me.

Thank you for listening and giving your insight.

DEIDRE SAYS: I’m so glad that your neighbour trusted and believed you, and that her son has apologised. I hope your relationship can recover fully.

IS FIRST GAY LOVER A PLAYER?

DEAR DEIDRE: I’M in the first gay relationship of my life, but worried the guy I’ve fallen for is a player.

I can’t talk to anyone about this because nobody knows I’m bisexual.

At school, I got teased about being gay but until now – I’m 46 – I’ve only ever been attracted to women.

I had lots of girlfriends before I met my ex-wife.

But our sex life was never great. When she left, she told me I needed to be honest with myself about my sexuality.

A few weeks ago, I met a guy in my local pub. I found him very handsome, and noticed he was flirting with me. But when he asked if I was gay, I told him I was straight.

As he left, he slipped me his number across the bar. I didn’t call for several days, but I kept thinking about him.

We met up and ended up having amazing sex. It was the first time I’d ever seen another man naked.

He says he now wants us to be exclusive. But I know he’s got lots of men on the go – mainly married ones – and that worries me.

Can I trust him? I don’t want to get hurt.

DEIDRE SAYS: It’s great you’ve finally been able to accept your sexuality and enjoy a same-sex experience.

But all new relationships are a risk, whether straight or gay. I can’t promise he won’t break your heart.

If your gut is telling you he’s a player, then follow it. Please do be careful and make sure sex is safe.

My Gay Support and Bisexual Questions advice packs should help you.

They have details of people you can talk to in confidence.